Appearance and power

April 30, 2013

I was listening to the BBC this morning when an item came on about how the late British prime minister Margaret Thatcher's hairstyle has become popular in London since her death earlier this month. Hard to believe, I thought to myself, given that the bouffant style surely says, to everyone under a certain age 'older woman' (and depending on your political views, a lot of other things as well). I can't link you to the radio piece, but here's a Daily Mail article on the Thatcher hairstyle phenomenon. What struck me about the BBC segment was that the hairdresser who is apparently seeing this uptick in demand, one Maximilliano Centini, claims that some customers tell him they want the famous 'do' because their job is lousy but they can't quit because of the recession (which is very pronounced in the UK) and that a Thatcher hairstyle makes them feel more powerful. He's quoted in the Mail as saying this:

"What I like is that women are using it to give their lives and general attitudes a boost. Many of them tell me that they step out of the chair with more confidence."

Now, I should let non-Brits know that the Daily Mail is a Tory paper through and through (in other words they openly support the Conservative party and are natural Thatcher fans), so they would talk up a 'trend' like this. But I still think it's interesting for what it says about some women's perception of power and looks in the wake of Thatcher's death. An actress called Flora Raffles MacLoughlin, who is reputedly young (late 20s/early 30s according to Centini) and has assumed the famous do, is quoted thus:

"It is the perfect mix of feminine style with a hint of masculine power. I think for a modern woman that is now an ideal balance."

I'm still pondering that statement. Hairstyles are everything to many women - when our hair looks good, we feel good. It's as simple as that. And having a Thatcher do would certainly take care of my own hair's tendency to go wild at the merest hint of moisture. Still, I wouldn't be myself, which I think is another important element of style, and I'm not sure aping the coiffure of a famous and powerful world leader would, in my case, make me feel more like said leader. I'll take a slick blow dry over a Thatcher do any day. My confidence certainly soars after one of those.

My next show will focus on the importance, or not, of appearance to women's careers. We'll also touch on the part it plays in men's working lives. But no matter how you slice it, women seem to feel under more pressure than men to look good during the working day. I'll break that down with two guests who work in very different environments, one involving desks and computers, the other grease and machinery.

The pitfalls of undervaluing yourself

April 18, 2013

I was in an email exchange this week with a friend who has been interviewing for a new job. She's been quite busy meeting potential employers, and mentioned that in one recent first interview, she was not expecting the topic of money to come up. She thought it was too early. It wasn't. The interviewer suddently piped up with, "How much are you looking to make?" Here's what happened next.

"Caught off guard, I totally lowballed my answer. Right now I am kicking myself.  It's like someone totally takes over. I guess there's still time to negotiate once I actually get an offer. But still, why oh why do I keep doing that?"

I sympathize. Actually, I empathize. It's exactly the kind of thing I'd do. As I've said in my recent Metro column and on the show, women undervalue ourselves all the time. It's so ingrained in many of us that we're not worth much, and we have such trouble saying we deserve things, that unless we have strenuously prepared to talk about money and rehearsed what we're going to say, we revert to type. Meaning we go right back to that inner voice, passed down through milennia, that says, "Who the hell do you think you are asking for that kind of money? You know you're not worth that much." Our comfort level with our own worth is a comfort level with low worth.

Whether our pathetic sense of our worth comes down to centuries of doing unpaid work (household, maternal) and being expected to be happy with that, I don't know, but I'd say it's a decent possibility. Women are still largely expected to be givers, not takers. It offends both sexes' expectations when we put up a good fight for money, and sometimes the discussion or its aftermath doesn't go well (which leads some, such as writer and women's advocate Joan Williams, to say women are wise not to bother with this dance at all, a view I vehemently disagree with). The back story to the tale I told in my Metro column is that if my colleague had not told me to ask for that 25 percent raise, I would never have dared done so. I probably would have asked for 10 percent, but never 25. I did it because I thought, "If Kelly says I should ask for that, and she's been here 10 years, I bet she knows what she's talking about." Obviously I'm glad I followed her advice, because I got the raise.

Women's tendency to under-negotiate, or not do so at all, is one of the reasons for the pay gap. While this isn't a foolproof answer, I believe being aware of how much we undervalue ourselves can help to keep us on our mental toes when it comes to the kinds of unexpected discussion my friend found herself having. Money is such an uncomfortable topic for a lot of women that we avoid thinking about it whenever possible. I'm up against this myself as I attempt to work out a budget for the show and how much I, Ashley, am worth. Naturally my inner voice says, "You? Worth something? Are you mad?!" But I will press on, trying to train myself out of my appalling mental habits - exacerbated, I'm sure, by my English upbringing. 

The more we know about the subtle psychological hangups we have, and the more we learn about the art of negotiating - and it really is an art - the better. I highly recommend the book Ask For It, by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever. This is a great piece by Rachel Simmons and Jessica Bacal on why it's so important for young women to learn how to negotiate - and not just for money. 

And if you're interested in some radio, this is the first public radio story I did on women and negotating. The second is more of a 'how to' and follows up with one of the characters from the first piece. 

Good luck. 

Leaning in to the Sandberg debate

April 12, 2013

Just a quick post before the next show comes out on Monday - actually, I have just heard from Mule Radio that it's coming out this afternoon. OK, so very quickly, a few days ago I gathered in a Greenwich Village apartment with five other women, all from Generations X and Y, to discuss Sheryl Sandberg's 'Lean In'. As I hoped, while some of us shared views about the book, there were a lot of different opinions floating about, and the more the wine flowed, the freer they became (and it was only Monday night). I'm going to list a few points here.

• Everyone reads this book through their own very personal lens. Despite not being remotely Sandberg-like myself, I still enjoyed the book a great deal, and didn't feel browbeaten into being a superwoman. Others felt the book and Sandberg have now moved the conversation on feminism to being entirely about getting to the top, and find that very limiting. It sparks incredibly different reactions in people.
• If you haven't read it because you've been put off by all the initial criticism of Sandberg as a rich elitist who couldn't possibly relate to a normal human, read it. Only once you've done so can you have an opinion. Maybe it won't be a good opinion, or perhaps a mixed one, but it is worth a read. And for the record, Sandberg comes off as very human (to me, anyway), and often quite humorous as well. Her co-writer Nell Scovell has probably done a lot of this work, but it's a well written book.
•  Sandberg has started a conversation that is very much worth having. I began this show for a lot of the reasons Sandberg wrote the book. But her voice is infinitely louder than mine will ever be. 

Grit and glitz - welcome to Tina Brown's Women in the World summit

April 7, 2013

(Photo: Marc Bryan-Brown/Women in the World)

"Too many people see the fortunes of women and girls as separate from society at large." - Hillary Rodham Clinton

Last week I spent an intense day and a half at the Women in the World summit. This is a yearly gathering at Lincoln Center in New York put on by Tina Brown, former editor of The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, Talk, and now of Newsweek/The Daily Beast. The gathering was full of luminaries including Hillary Clinton, Meryl Streep, and Oprah Winfrey, and highlighted issues concerning women around the globe. Some of the topics focused on the workplace, but to be honest the most arresting panels were about the kinds of things most of us reading this don't - thankfully - come up against regularly ourselves.  

I say 'intense' because these issues are some of the most serious and depressing affecting women worlwide, from 'honor' killings of supposedly undutiful daughters, to women being sold into the sex trade, to the number of women around the world who still die in childbirth. One of the best panels was on Friday and concerned sexual violence in India - we all know about that terrible gang rape that took place in New Delhi in December, which ultimately claimed the life of the rape victim, a young medical student. The discussion began when moderator Cynthia McFadden interviewed a young Indian rape survivor (her preferred word) about her experience of being raped and trying to bring her case to court. The young woman sat with her back to the audience, as she needs to keep her identity secret to guard her safety. The subsequent panel was made up of three women and one man, all Indian, talking about the pervasive problem of male and female attitudes to women in India and just how much has to change before society as a whole begins to shift its mindset.

(Photo: Marc Bryan-Brown/Women in the World)

Just to show you what the women of India are up against, here's a snippet of what panelist Shoma Chaudhury (in the bright red jacket) said. You can read her piece on this in the Daily Beast here.

"The police are habitually callous...There is an endemic idea that women ask for what happens to them...One judge said, 'All marriages have some level of beating…get used to it.'"

Incredibly inspiring was a panel featuring three young Pakistani women - one filmmaker and two activists - who are trying to change attitudes to women's and girls' education in Pakistan. These women are risking their lives to try to convince men with frankly medieval mindsets that girls deserve an education. One of them knows personally Malala Yousafzai, the teenager shot in the head by the Taliban last year for advocating for girls' education. Christiane Amanpour moderated that panel (below, with 24-year-old Humaira Bachal of the Dream Foundation Trust). Humaira has her work cut out. We saw some film of her in a village talking to local men about letting women go to school. The men laughed and explained it simply wasn't an option. Women had to stay indoors where no one would look at them. Going out just caused stares and whispers. If any woman defied them, they said, 'that would mean the bullet.' 

(Photo: Marc Bryan-Brown/Women in the World)

After this, Angelina Jolie appeared at the podium, almost Virgin-Mary-like in dress, honoring Malala and introducing a video where Malala herself talked about a new foundation in her name that she will dedicate to girls' education in Pakistan. (This combination of grit and glitz summed up the conference.) 

Hillary Clinton encompasses both. She had begun the day on Friday by talking about some of her efforts to advocate for women and girls around the world, and how little appreciated they were when she started. Here's a bit of what she said:

"Too many people see the fortunes of women and girls as separate from society at large...I’ve seen it, I’ve been kidded and ribbed, challenged in boardrooms and official offices across the world. But fighting to give women and girls a fighting chance isn’t a ‘nice’ thing to do. It isn’t some luxury…it is a core imperative for every human being and every society."

Delighted though many were to hear Clinton speak live, there were literally squeals of excitement in the press gallery moments before Oprah Winfrey came on stage. People leapt to their feet, applauding wildly when the legendary talk show host appeared.

(Photo: Marc Bryan-Brown/Women in the World)

Sitting next to her is Dr. Tererai Trent, a Zimbabwean educator (somehow 'teacher' doesn't seem enough here), who Oprah - well it is Oprah after all - calls her hero. Trent already had three children by the age of 18 (she'd had another, but the baby died as she couldn't produce enough milk). But she transformed her poor and frankly very unpromising beginnings into a tale of hard graft in Zimbabwe and the US, where she got her education while sharing a trailer with her abusive spouse and, by then, five kids. These days she, too, is devoting her life to education, but not just of girls. 

"When we educate boys, they will be so respectful of girls."

At least that's the hope. A lot more happened at the conference, but these were some of the highlights.